“Narcissism is an evil that masquerades as good. Like a Pied Piper this master illusionist can lead you to Hell all while making you feel flattered to be chosen to go there. Only when you wake up in Hell do you realize the real evil that existed in his fluted song. By then it’s too late; not only have you fallen victim, but most likely you have paid for the flute, as well.” ~Tigress Luv

Narcissistic abuse should not be taken lightly for it is a very unique and emotional type of abuse. You might have just ended, or are thinking of ending, a toxic relationship and seeking information on how to start your narcissistic abuse recovery process. This article is perfect to help you to shine again without fear.

Narcissistic abuse recovery: Is it possible?

Firstly, to start recovering from any form of abuse one must learn to recognize that one is being abused. In order to recognize the abuse, one must understand the specific abuse they’re receiving. So, what is narcissistic abuse? Contrary to popular opinion,  People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder are not simply in love with themselves. In fact, it’s the total opposite.  Their actions, words and behavior are driven by their true feeling of low self-worth. In order to avoid facing their insecurities, they project their idealized image of themselves onto others and portray themselves as if they are better than everyone. Empathy for others is hard to come by – if it exists at all. It’s as if only themselves and their opinion matters. 

If you’ve ever found yourself in a narcissistic relationship (romantic or not) you’ve probably been the victim of narcissistic abuse. You are not alone, and shouldn’t be too hard on yourself for getting involved with such a person. Narcissistic abuse has three phases, namely, idealization, devaluation, and discarding. The idealization phase, or love-bombing phase, is extremely convincing.  Your narcissistic partner will start showering you with compliments and promises of devotion, deep physical and sexual intimacy – if it’s romantic, and essentially they seem to be and make you feel like the most special person in the world. The next phase, being, devaluation, often happens right beneath your nose without you realizing it. The narcissist will gradually start to devalue their partner by subtly putting them down, or gaslighting them, disappearing unexplainably with no contact, occasionally loosing emotional or sexual interest, or projecting their own narcissistic tendencies onto you as if you are actually the narcissist. The third phase is when the narcissist discards their supposed loved one, usually in a cold or unemotional manner. This usually happens after you start speaking up about your desires for reciprocity or empathy or for your abuser to compromise. They then simply decide that you no longer work for them. They make you feel as if you are acting crazy. One would assume that the break up is the end but a narcissist will make it very hard for you to let go. You abuser will begin hovering, which is when the narcissist tries to lure their victim back into the very abusive relationship they managed to get out of wit promises that they will change and deep declarations of love and devotion. And so, the cycle continues.

Narcissistic abuse recovery is possible, and it is perfectly acceptable, if not recommended, to seek out help. Memories will resurface as you try to understand the abuse. This might lead to more confusion as you remember how good they were to you in the first place. This can leave you craving their love and approval again to reassure your feelings of confusion or self-doubt brought on by the gaslighting. This is why therapists or support groups are helpful when you leave a toxic relationship. Victims of narcissistic abuse can empower themselves by understanding narcissism and how it works. Ultimately, awareness is the key to progress.

7 stages of healing after narcissistic abuse

The path to recovery will not be the same for everyone as we are all unique beings with our own experiences under our belts. Yet this time of self-care is essential for our mental health. This road to recovery might feel like you are moving in zigzags and at first, you might not be able to forget excuses you made for your partner for what seems like for a while but you must not give up.

• THE ROADKILL STAGE

This is when you are at your all-time lowest. You feel utterly drained from constantly doubting yourself and your relationship. You might make excuses for their behavior, telling yourself it’s normal for relationships to have dipped. 

• REALIZATION STAGE

This is the stage where red flags start appearing and your awareness of your partner’s true narcissistic traits becomes stronger. You’ll start to recognize their manipulation on you. It is unsurprising for victims of narcissistic abuse to have tendencies to blame themselves for getting involved with such a person in the first place. With this blameful feeling comes pain at the thought of having waisted so much of your time on someone who cares very little about anyone but themselves. This might start to make you feel anger towards the situation.

• ANGER STAGE

As the full reality of what you have undergone finally dawns on you, you might find yourself feeling angry, do not despair. This is a healthy part of the recovery process. It is important to remember at this stage that narcissists are the opposite of empaths. They will make every situation in their lives revolve around them, and it is a futile effort to change that. A narcissist will not change their tendencies unless they will get something in return, or they hit rock bottom and they make the decision to change themselves. 

• TAKING AFFIRMATIVE ACTION

At this stage, you have done all the research about narcissists and their tendencies to aid your awareness of your partner’s abuse. You begin to develop your own defensive techniques in order to stand up for yourself against the narcissistic person. You might even find the courage to ask for a divorce, break up with your business partner or whatever the connection to the narcissist is. Your narcissistic partner might begin to excessively argue with you or possibly turn the volume up on their “nice guy/gal” act in an attempt to convince you they are right so everything can go back to the way it was before you started calling them out on their selfishness. Be strong, for at this stage a narcissist can be spiteful and vicious if they do not get their way.

• THE FALL-OUT STAGE

Your confidence in yourself and your newly obtained knowledge of how to handle narcissistic people has bloomed. Forgiving yourself is easier at this stage because you understand how blindsiding narcissistic abuse can be. With this new sense of optimism, you start thinking forward and making plans for your future. Of course, remanence of your previous way of thinking might resurface from time to time but their intensity will diminish soon enough. 

• MIRRORING

Unfortunately, narcissists are unbelievably stubborn people and they will be in denial that you are done with them. They might continue to exasperate you with all kinds of abusive comments. At this stage, some people start mirroring their narcissistic partner’s actions onto them.  This can take a few attempts but this is a great method to get the narcissist to get a taste of their own medicine and hopefully leave you alone.

• REALIZATION AND APATHY

With all your newly obtained knowledge and skills of defense against narcissistic people and having cut all contact with the narcissist you finally hit the full realization that there was little, you could do to prevent the trauma you went through. A narcissist is a master manipulator. In order to keep your eyes focused on your future without the narcissist your greatest tool for ignoring them will be apathy. Apathy means, a lack of feeling or concern. It is the suppression of emotional displays. When the narcissist is trying to bring you down again or make you fall in love again, simply be apathetic towards him, do not display any emotions.

Where to find narcissistic abuse support

Seeking help and support from narcissistic abuse is very important for your well-being. There are many ways in which help is offered from psychotherapy sessions to online support groups. Having the availability of online support can be helpful during this pandemic as a lot of us are trapped in our homes with narcissists and haven’t realized it yet.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Programs

1. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – https://courses.melanietoniaevans.com/p/narp/?affcode=138006_kt8bywus
2. The understanding Narcissism Summit –  https://www.soundstrue.com/products/understanding-narcissism-summit/#5d70526592a21
3. Empower: Resilience and well-being program –https://courses.schoolofpositivetransformation.com/courses/Empower-resilience-wellbeing-program?ref=053e5d
4. Take Your Life Back: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program –   https://www.udemy.com/course/take-back-your-life-narcissistic-abuse-recovery/
5. The Healing Trauma Summit – https://www.soundstrue.com/products/the-healing-trauma-summit/#5d70526592a21

Find a narcissistic abuse recovery therapist

This website is called the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and through them the have a list of appropriate therapists for you to choose from.

• https://centerforanxietydisorders.com/team/

Narcissistic abuse recovery support groups online

1. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery support group –
   http://narcissisticabuserecovery.online/
2. Meetup –
   https://www.meetup.com/topics/narcissism-survivor/ 
3. Queen Beeing –
   https://queenbeeing.com/

Key takeaways about recovering from narcissistic abuse

It is a long, bumpy road ahead for the victim of narcissistic abuse. Their confidence, self-esteem, self-efficacy need to be rebuilt and they must get in touch with the friends or family members you lost due to the narcissistic partner’s control over everything you did. Do not feel ashamed at seeking help from a mental health professional or a support group. You are not alone and you do not have to recover by yourself.

FAQs

What does narcissistic abuse do to you?

You start to doubt yourself intensely because of the abuse. As a result of this doubt, you will probably develop a case of anxiety or depression.

What are the stages of narcissistic abuse?

1. The Roadkill stage
2. The realization stage
3. The anger stage
4. Taking affirmative action stage
5. The fall-out stage
6. The mirroring stage
7.  The realization and apathy stage

How long does it take to recover from narcissistic abuse?

The healing process is not the same for everyone, therefore the time it takes for recovery is an unpredicted amount of time.

Written by:
Jade Small